"Patented Neuticles are testicular implants for pets. Neuticles are available for canines, felines, equine, bulls or any pet which is neutered. Neuticles should be implanted when the pet is neutered- but can be implanted years afterwards in most cases."
"Neuticles are devices created for macho douchebags that think their dog will be emasculated if he doesn't have balls."
On why the inventor created neuticles
"Buck was seven months old- ornery as they came," said Miller, "Well- the day came when I had to consider neutering- and was really surprised when it was discovered the testicles are permanently removed when the pet is neutered- Buck would no longer be Buck!"
"You are a dipshit."
On the rationale behind neuticles
"We feel the removal of a God given body part - leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles it's like nothing ever changed. For a listing of progressive clinics or hospitals in your neighborhood call or email us!"
"Neuticles were invented by insecure idiots who think that a dog's appearance is unnatural after alteration."
On whether the dog knows he's been neutered
"My vet said my dog won't know that he's missing anything. Is that true? People know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don't feel well, hide when approaching the vet's office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park- why wouldn't the pet know a familiar body part is missing? Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense."
"Well, duh, he knows if his foot has been cut off! It's his foot that he walks on! There are many dogs that are single- or even double-amputees or have lost eyes, ears, etc. They don't die of depression. Or maybe it's different because the dog can get by without his eye, but his self-esteem will be shattered without his manhood intact? And what about female dogs? You don't think they are masculinized without their reproductive parts? Just using your rationale."
On whether other species can get neuticles:
"While canines and felines have been most popular, other pets have been Neuticled including prairie dogs, water buffalo, monkey's and even rats!"
"WTF? First of all, since when did "neuticled" become a verb. And I'm not sure what part of the monkey's has been "neuticled," are you?"
Oh, and here's your direct quote from the website regarding emasculation:
"Over Two Centuries Old...in 1802. As a result, it has become our 'culture' to accept emasculation as being the norm."
Another thing that bothered me about the interview was when the inventor said that there are people that must have the latest version of the neuticles implanted in their dogs. So, they voluntarily put their dogs through anaesthesia multiple times for a cosmetic procedure? Gross.
And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, it does! Neuticles now offers eye implants for those dogs that feel like the other dogs at the dog park are judging them for only having one eye:
"Due to demand -CTI now offers solid silicone eye implants for pets. Available in 12 sizes."
And don't forget about those dogs who feel insecure because their ears don't stand up perfectly on end (Kristal, I'm talking to you).
And finally, last time I checked, Levi wasn't embarrassed about being testicle-free since April '08!