The Ridiculous Files: Neuticles

I listen to backlogged podcasts of the fantastic Good Dog Podcast and came across one from about a year ago in which the inventor of Neuticles was interviewed. I'm probably a total johnny-come-lately when it comes to Neuticles, but I could not have been more horrified after listening to the podcast. I was kind of surprised that they covered this topic on the podcast, but the host, Joanne Greene, did not let me down with her thinly disguised disgust. I had heard of Neuticles before, but could not believe some of the things that came out of this guy's mouth. You too can listen to the podcast on the link above if you're interested. I just don't get that whole macho thing associated with refusing to neuter a dog. I know some people don't neuter for other reasons, but why are some men so concerned with a dog losing his "manhood?" Anyway, I went directly to the source, the Neuticles website, to share some choice nuggets with you.

On neuticles

They say:

"Patented Neuticles are testicular implants for pets. Neuticles are available for canines, felines, equine, bulls or any pet which is neutered. Neuticles should be implanted when the pet is neutered- but can be implanted years afterwards in most cases."

Mary says:

"Neuticles are devices created for macho douchebags that think their dog will be emasculated if he doesn't have balls."

On why the inventor created neuticles

They say:

"Buck was seven months old- ornery as they came," said Miller, "Well- the day came when I had to consider neutering- and was really surprised when it was discovered the testicles are permanently removed when the pet is neutered- Buck would no longer be Buck!"

Mary says:

"You are a dipshit."

On the rationale behind neuticles

They say:

"We feel the removal of a God given body part - leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles it's like nothing ever changed. For a listing of progressive clinics or hospitals in your neighborhood call or email us!"

Mary says:

"Neuticles were invented by insecure idiots who think that a dog's appearance is unnatural after alteration."

On whether the dog knows he's been neutered

They say:

"My vet said my dog won't know that he's missing anything. Is that true? People know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don't feel well, hide when approaching the vet's office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park- why wouldn't the pet know a familiar body part is missing? Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense."

Mary says:

"Well, duh, he knows if his foot has been cut off! It's his foot that he walks on! There are many dogs that are single- or even double-amputees or have lost eyes, ears, etc. They don't die of depression. Or maybe it's different because the dog can get by without his eye, but his self-esteem will be shattered without his manhood intact? And what about female dogs? You don't think they are masculinized without their reproductive parts? Just using your rationale."

On whether other species can get neuticles:

They say:

"While canines and felines have been most popular, other pets have been Neuticled including prairie dogs, water buffalo, monkey's and even rats!"

Mary says:

"WTF? First of all, since when did "neuticled" become a verb. And I'm not sure what part of the monkey's has been "neuticled," are you?"

Oh, and here's your direct quote from the website regarding emasculation:

"Over Two Centuries Old...in 1802. As a result, it has become our 'culture' to accept emasculation as being the norm."

Another thing that bothered me about the interview was when the inventor said that there are people that must have the latest version of the neuticles implanted in their dogs. So, they voluntarily put their dogs through anaesthesia multiple times for a cosmetic procedure? Gross.

And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, it does! Neuticles now offers eye implants for those dogs that feel like the other dogs at the dog park are judging them for only having one eye:

"Due to demand -CTI now offers solid silicone eye implants for pets. Available in 12 sizes."

And don't forget about those dogs who feel insecure because their ears don't stand up perfectly on end (Kristal, I'm talking to you).

"Revolutionary PermaStay Ear Implants are micro thin sheets of solid silicon specially designed to restore canines ears that, for one reason or another, do not stand straight up."

But who am I to judge? Just read these glowing reviews from these satisfied customers:

"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one." Lane Hinderman - Metairie, Louisiana

"I've put off neutering "Crooked Joe" for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen't know he's missing anything." Jeff Lane - Oak Park, Il

And don't forget to visit the Neuticles store and buy your merchandise. These earrings are made from actual neuticles and will only cost you $109!

And pat yourself on the back in your Neuticles robe every time you look at your male dog because you did him a favor by sticking foreign objects in his nutsack so that you can feel better about yourself.

And finally, last time I checked, Levi wasn't embarrassed about being testicle-free since April '08!