Levi Melts my Cold, Black Heart

Just when I think my heart has gone completely black from thinking about all the bs I have to dig myself out of (I didn't think school could get worse, but it did today!), my puppy dog finds a way to make it start beating again. How can I be unhappy when I have this guy to come home to every day?

As it turns out, my cold-aversive dog loves the snow. We have gone to Forest Park every day this week and he has gone completely beserk on his long line. Last night Jason got home early enough for both of us to take him.

He reminds me of a rabbit in the snow:

When he gets really crazy and wants to play, he runs at Jason at full speed and "attacks" him:

Today I got home early enough to take him to the park in the daylight. Let me tell you, it's not easy to juggle the long line (especially when he takes of running!), hold the camera steady around my neck, and have the toothpaste tube full of wet food at the ready to get Levi to actually obey me. And then when I'm carrying the full poop bag and looking for a trash can, my hands are definitely full. But, it all paid off because I got some nice pictures of Levi in the snow in Forest Park. I messed around with some of the settings on my camera and I don't have any fancy photo editing software, but I still think I got some good ones. Here are some of my faves:

Pity party for one?

One of the reasons I haven't been blogging much (other than the fact that I've been swamped) is because life really sucks right now. I'm not going to get into all the gory details, but something came up and we realized we have to put moving on hold for at least 4-6 months. It's incredibly frustrating considering how much work we had already put into staging/moving, and how I was counting the days until I didn't have to walk around with a bird on my shoulder at all times, walk four flights of stairs with groceries, worry about the dog barking, etc. I've been getting support in unexpected places and lack of support in expected places. The latter just adds to my frustration.

Then there's school. Again, I can't get into all the details, but it's been somewhat of a nightmare lately due to the usual suspects and due to new players. As usual, none of my experiments are working, people are making my life way more difficult than it needs to be, and I'm seriously lacking in the motivation department. Then there's the usual, "why am I doing this to myself again?" This comic from phdcomics pretty much sums it up. You can even click on it to make it bigger if you want. I'm off to wallow in self-pity now.

Hot or Not? Joaquin Phoenix

I'm pretty much having one of the worst weeks ever, but I can't get into any of it right now. So, I need some cheering up and want to hear what you guys think about the hotness factor of Joaquin Phoenix. I know you won't disappoint me with either disgusted or awestruck comments regarding this sure-to-be polarizing celeb.

Okay, first let's take a look at the old Joaquin. I loved him in Quills as the sexy, yet tormented abbe (and if you haven't seen Quills, you really should, but it is about the Marquis de Sade, so don't say I didn't warn you!)

Then he played the big, bad emperor Commodus in the best movie ever, Gladiator. I admit he was outshined by Russell Crowe in that movie, but we've already debated his hotness on here.

And he really made the ladies swoon with his turn as the "Man in Black," in Walk the Line.

And now? Um, now he's saying "BYE! GOOD" to acting forever so that he can start a new career as a rapper.

What happened to the hot? He reminds me of a grouchy, dirty, smelly grizzly bear that just emerged from his den. But instead of hunting for food, he's hunting for booze, cigarettes, and hopefully a shower, a razor, and some sort of debloating cleanse.

Let's get a little closer to the sexiness. Can't you just smell him through your computer screen?

I refuse to believe that he has lost the hot forever. Refuse! He needs to get off whatever he's on, and unearth that sexy man that we remember. What do you think? Does he still have potential? Did he ever in your eyes?

Verdict: HOT

Let's Talk Grout

My blogging will probably be sporadic right now because we're in the final stages of "staging" and hope to put our condo on the market in the next 10 days. This will be accompanied by some major changes that I don't want to get into here for privacy's sake, but all will be revealed in time. So, I have been busy at school where my experiements are actually working (shocking!) and at home getting things ready. But I do have a question for my fellow bloggers that are far more experienced in the art of home repair and renovation than I.

When my condo was gutted and rehabbed, everything was replaced except for the tile around the shower and the tub itself. I've been attacking the tile and grout in there with a toothbrush and vinegar/baking soda solution (I will have to resort to bleach for the really bad spots) to clean it up really well. I've noticed that there are some small holes in the grout. The tile is white and the grout is white. Can we just grout over those spots or do we have to remove the old grout somehow? The little holes make it look dirty, but it's not because it's just a dark space in the white grout. What to do?

Another question that I posed to some of my friends this past Saturday: what kind of music should we play at the open house? I thought either jazz, classical, something like classic Motown (think Temptations and Supremes), or a mix of bands like Coldplay and U2. My audience will probably be young professionals, either singles or childless couples. What do you think? I'm really obsessing about all of this, in case you couldn't tell:)

I did manage to let off some steam on Saturday night at a fabulous wine-themed GNO hosted by Ali (not a blogger, sadly), where I participated in activities like

playing old-school Zelda on the original Nintendo game console:

apparently drinking a beer and a glass of wine simultaneously (I still maintain that beer isn't mine):

And singing with Jen:

And here I must thank my wonderful husband who came to pick up my drunk ass in the middle of the night, even after I was allegedly mean to him on the phone. He even brought along my puppy dog (that's Ali's adorable dog Porter, who I think was a very good boy if you're reading this, Ali!):

The Ridiculous Files: Neuticles

I listen to backlogged podcasts of the fantastic Good Dog Podcast and came across one from about a year ago in which the inventor of Neuticles was interviewed. I'm probably a total johnny-come-lately when it comes to Neuticles, but I could not have been more horrified after listening to the podcast. I was kind of surprised that they covered this topic on the podcast, but the host, Joanne Greene, did not let me down with her thinly disguised disgust. I had heard of Neuticles before, but could not believe some of the things that came out of this guy's mouth. You too can listen to the podcast on the link above if you're interested. I just don't get that whole macho thing associated with refusing to neuter a dog. I know some people don't neuter for other reasons, but why are some men so concerned with a dog losing his "manhood?" Anyway, I went directly to the source, the Neuticles website, to share some choice nuggets with you.

On neuticles

They say:

"Patented Neuticles are testicular implants for pets. Neuticles are available for canines, felines, equine, bulls or any pet which is neutered. Neuticles should be implanted when the pet is neutered- but can be implanted years afterwards in most cases."

Mary says:

"Neuticles are devices created for macho douchebags that think their dog will be emasculated if he doesn't have balls."

On why the inventor created neuticles

They say:

"Buck was seven months old- ornery as they came," said Miller, "Well- the day came when I had to consider neutering- and was really surprised when it was discovered the testicles are permanently removed when the pet is neutered- Buck would no longer be Buck!"

Mary says:

"You are a dipshit."

On the rationale behind neuticles

They say:

"We feel the removal of a God given body part - leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles it's like nothing ever changed. For a listing of progressive clinics or hospitals in your neighborhood call or email us!"

Mary says:

"Neuticles were invented by insecure idiots who think that a dog's appearance is unnatural after alteration."

On whether the dog knows he's been neutered

They say:

"My vet said my dog won't know that he's missing anything. Is that true? People know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don't feel well, hide when approaching the vet's office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park- why wouldn't the pet know a familiar body part is missing? Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense."

Mary says:

"Well, duh, he knows if his foot has been cut off! It's his foot that he walks on! There are many dogs that are single- or even double-amputees or have lost eyes, ears, etc. They don't die of depression. Or maybe it's different because the dog can get by without his eye, but his self-esteem will be shattered without his manhood intact? And what about female dogs? You don't think they are masculinized without their reproductive parts? Just using your rationale."

On whether other species can get neuticles:

They say:

"While canines and felines have been most popular, other pets have been Neuticled including prairie dogs, water buffalo, monkey's and even rats!"

Mary says:

"WTF? First of all, since when did "neuticled" become a verb. And I'm not sure what part of the monkey's has been "neuticled," are you?"

Oh, and here's your direct quote from the website regarding emasculation:

"Over Two Centuries Old...in 1802. As a result, it has become our 'culture' to accept emasculation as being the norm."

Another thing that bothered me about the interview was when the inventor said that there are people that must have the latest version of the neuticles implanted in their dogs. So, they voluntarily put their dogs through anaesthesia multiple times for a cosmetic procedure? Gross.

And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, it does! Neuticles now offers eye implants for those dogs that feel like the other dogs at the dog park are judging them for only having one eye:

"Due to demand -CTI now offers solid silicone eye implants for pets. Available in 12 sizes."

And don't forget about those dogs who feel insecure because their ears don't stand up perfectly on end (Kristal, I'm talking to you).

"Revolutionary PermaStay Ear Implants are micro thin sheets of solid silicon specially designed to restore canines ears that, for one reason or another, do not stand straight up."

But who am I to judge? Just read these glowing reviews from these satisfied customers:

"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one." Lane Hinderman - Metairie, Louisiana

"I've put off neutering "Crooked Joe" for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen't know he's missing anything." Jeff Lane - Oak Park, Il

And don't forget to visit the Neuticles store and buy your merchandise. These earrings are made from actual neuticles and will only cost you $109!

And pat yourself on the back in your Neuticles robe every time you look at your male dog because you did him a favor by sticking foreign objects in his nutsack so that you can feel better about yourself.

And finally, last time I checked, Levi wasn't embarrassed about being testicle-free since April '08!

All About Staging

I've spent so much time "staging" in the last 10 days so that our condo is a neutral paradise when we put it on the market. I've packed box upon box of anything personal or potentially offensive (better get rid of that frog knick-knack because you never know who doesn't like frogs). I've even been decluttering and organizing closets, for pete's sake! That is why I am pretty surprised to see some of the lack of staging going on in houses that are on the market. These aren't bottom of the barrel houses either. I would just think that in today's crappy economy, people would do everything they can to sell their home. I collected some of my favorites to share. Kids' rooms are off limits, and I am not judging people's decor (for the most part).

Let's start in this kitchen, shall we? I think it's a nice kitchen, but it's hard to see past the leftovers from this morning's coffee and newspaper session. If hours watching HGTV has taught me anything, it's that all that crap should be cleared away. At least for pictures!


This eat-in isn't quite as bad, but still.

This is a really great area, don't you think? There are nice cabinets, stainless applicances, a football, a plastic bag, coffee mug, and is that a box of kleenex?


This kitchen is hands-down my favorite, though. I have to wonder what happened just prior to this picture being taken. A band of cabinet thieves swept through the kitchen, in search of cutlery and glassware? A tornado blew in and ruined the staged-to-perfection picture? It's a real shame because this is an otherwise really beautiful kitchen.

How do you like this bathroom? To be fair, this house is a rehab project, but don't you think they could have taken down the dingy shower curtain? I'd also like to know if there is water damage on the floor from the water that no doubt escaped from the just-too-short shower curtain.

Ahhh, my eyes! They just don't know where to rest! I'm pretty sure I get the whole floral motif without the additional plant, wreath, flower sconce, and tabletop flower arrangement.

This person forgot to remove their cleaning rag before taking this photo that shows off their bedroom. Is that aerosol deoderant?

I really hope that solitary bottle is not the support beam holding up that entire cabinet.

This one isn't too bad, and they're probably trying to show off the hooks, but I think I know what HGTV would have to say about that.

This room looks like someone read a few magazines, took a nap on the couch, and then got up to take this picture.

Do you think it's in the contract that the buyer has to be an Ole Miss alum? I especially like the football field throw rug. What do you think is in that display case? Buttons? Pins? The jewelry he gives his wife for being married to him?

This one is so good that we have to see it from a different angle.

I will be sure to keep all of this in mind before we take those all-important staging photos. We are seeing seven houses on Sunday and I'm really excited about two of them. Things are moving along here and we hope to have it on the market in about 2-3 weeks.

Have any of you been surprised by houses you've seen online or in person?

HGTV Dream Home 2009: But would you really want it?

Before I launch into the text, let's take a tour of this year's unbelievable home that HGTV is giving away. The home, which is new, is located in Sonoma County, California and is over 3700 square feet. The whole package is worth over $2 million. There are loads more pictures and videos on the website linked above, so check them out, as well as tons of information about the products, if you can't get enough here.

Here's the exterior. Gorgeous, huh?

The foyer is not too shabby either.

Here is the living room. I love the color scheme, as well as the cabinets. Yay for storage!

This is the formal dining room:

The formal dining room also has a sitting area:

Are you ready for this kitchen? You should really go look at all the pictures because it's pretty ridiculous. You can't tell here, but there are TWO islands like the one you see here.

Built-in wine chillers, and there is also a double-warmer.

The eat-in that is part of the kitchen.

The family room is right off the kitchen.

Here is the study, which comes with a FULLY-STOCKED wine cellar.

The kids' bedroom...or for more wine if you have chosen wine over kids in your life.

The guest bedroom. I hate that carpet, but it can be changed.

The laundry room, which I'm pretty sure is bigger than my kitchen. It has HWF too!

More clever storage surprises in the laundry room:

Do you hear the angels singing? It's because you're in this glorious master bedroom suite that was practically touched by God. If I had a bedroom like this, I might never emerge.

Check out this closet! I guess you're only allowed to wear beige clothes if you live in Sonoma, so you'd better be prepared for that.

And the luxurious master bath.

Here is the back of the house. You have your own little vineyard too, by the way. There were lots of garden pictures, but I didn't even pull any of those off the website.

This is my favorite kind of outdoor furtniture. I love the white on dark:

You also have an outdoor kitchen:

Did I mention that the package includes a 2009 GMC Acadia?

What's this you ask? In-law quarters? Time-out house for naughty children? Nope. It's the 3k miniature version of the Dream House built for your lucky dog. Methinks the doghouse is larger than my condo.

So, I pose my original question: would you actually want it? Well, DUH, Mary! Of course you want it. But here are the reasons why I was hesitant to enter.

1) According to the official rules, "real estate transfer taxes, deed recording charges and closing costs, if not the obligation of the Developer pursuant to an agreement with HGTV (the "Home Contract") to acquire the home, shall be the sole responsibility of the Grand Prize Winner." You mean I have to pay closing costs? Ouch.

2) But wait, you'll be further hemorraging money when you pay for "all current and future real estate taxes and all other taxes, costs, fees, and expenses related to the maintenance of the house commencing as of the date the Grand Prize Winner accepts the Grand Prize."

3) Oh, and don't forget that "title insurance and homeowner's hazard and liability insurance shall be the sole responsibility of the Grand Prize Winner."

I realize that they can't pay the fees for this house for the winners forever, but I think the proportion of the population that can afford property taxes, insurance, and maintenance on a $2 million house in Sonoma is pretty limited. I had to seriously question Jason as to what we would do if we won. Sell organs? You only need one kidney, right?

The other part of the process that seriously frightens me is this:

"Main Sponsor anticipates that the potential Grand Prize Winner will be contacted in person on or about March 15, 2009 (subject to change) in the form of a "ambush style" visit by Main Sponsor representatives and such potential Grand Prize Winner may be filmed during such visit by Main Sponsor."

Ambush style! No way. Mostly because this is what I normally look like when I'm hanging around at home:

Worse still, "main Sponsor also reserves the right to randomly select an unspecified number of potential finalists for the Grand Prize and require them to travel at Main Sponsor's expense to a location in the United States where the Grand Prize Winner will be selected in a random drawing that may be televised."

Talk about my worst nightmare.

So, tell me what you would do? You'd be an idiot to not want the house, right? Or smart to not want it if you can't really afford it? What do you think?