Monday, November 28, 2011

Neptune's Toxic Bottom

Jason told me that I need to curb the cursing with the baby around, hence the title of this post. However, she cannot read yet, so fuck that! I love my Neptune, but he is kind of a gross dog. He is the most gaseous creature I've ever encountered. He is constantly belching and farting and sometimes his burps sound like a bullfrog who just did a record-breaking keg stand. I have learned to deal with his gas. What is harder to live with is his ass juice. His anal glands. And the fact that his breath constantly stinks of ass because he's a dog and dogs lick their buttholes. This is not to be confused with Levi's breath which smells like the inside of a dumpster. Yes, I need to brush their teeth, don't I? Anyway, I do not accept face kisses from Neptune, which is kind of sad, because he loves nothing more than giving kisses and he is just about the sweetest dog on the planet. Jason took him to the vet last weekend for his annual visit and the vet didn't really have much advice for us. I guess he just needs to work it out, so to speak. Unfortunately, he works it out on the carpet in the nursery or on the couch slipcover. Thank goodness for slipcovers!

But nothing compares to what happened the other day. Now that I am pretty much home all day with Elsa, the dogs have turned into total slugs. Jason lets them out in the morning, but Levi doesn't even leave the porch. Following breakfast, they run back upstairs and into bed. In bed they stay all morning, snoozing away. I walked into the bedroom the other morning and was hit in the face with that familiar smell of Neptune's ass juice. Great. I inspected under his butt and found a freaking puddle of the stuff on our bed. GROSS!!! I immediately stripped the duvet cover off the duvet and threw it in the wash. This incident combined with Lola's nonstop screaming was just the push I needed to leave the house.

When I told Jason about the incident that evening, we went up to inspect. Not only had the juices soaked through the sheet we keep on top of the bed to protect our nice (ha) bedding, it had soaked through the duvet cover, the duvet, the blanket, the top sheet, the fitted sheet, the mattress pad, the cover we put on the mattress to keep the dust mites out (or in?), and into the mattress. That is some potent shit. Jason febreezed the hell out of the mattress. The worst part was that I has just done about eight million loads of laundry just days before when we swapped out the summer bedding for the winter bedding. And tell me what is more tedious than stuffing a duvet into its cover? And for the record, it took THREE washes to get the smell out of the duvet. I can only hope that Neptune's anal glads are drained for the time being and that the next time they let loose, he is not on our bed. Or on any of our furniture. I just love snuggling with the little guy so much, I don't have the heart to kick him out. How can anyone possibly resist these faces?

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16 comments:

Joline said...

Wow, that is some hard core ass juice. Our dogs' butts get smelly and fishy now and then, usually after being nervous about something. When we bathe them we scrub the fur around their butt extra well. Has he always had problems with that? I know dogs excrete more when nervous so maybe he's a little stressed with all the changes and that is how it is manifesting? Good luck!

Julia said...

bwahahaha. Anal gland leakage, cursing---sounds a lot like my life right now! Love it.

Sara said...

Oh my gosh! I don't think I could handle that! Have you tried Bio-Kleen Bac Out? I use it on my cat messes and it's awesome! It might help cleaning up the messes. I seriously am not sure I want a dog now after reading this!

Jen said...

I only laugh because I can completely understand the pain and frustration of ass juice...our family dog had to have his anal glands removed as a last resort. Hope you get to the bottom of this soon (pun intended)!

Lynsey T said...

Umm Ozzy does this too and it makes me insane. We call it the skunk ass drop. ha! Usually it happens when UPS comes or we take him to the vet but then it's usually combined with some awful poo bc he gets so scared. I could not imagine it on my bed though...that's awful!! Best part is "well she can't read my blog so fuck that" haha! You crack me up!

Sarah said...

holy crap balls, i didn't even know animals had anal glands until a couple of weeks ago and Conn got his squeezed at the vet and oh dear god the smell IS putrid! i cannot even imagine if he had juiced out his butt all over my bed :) glad you got yours cleaned up!

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Wow! I've never heard of that, I'm going to have to look into that. Is that more prone to certain breeds of dogs? Shadow does have some majorly stinky gas but nothing that bad!

Kari in Vegas said...

Mesa had that for a while so we were taking her in every other week to get her glands cleaned out at the groomers

Stop on by for a visit
Kari
http://dogisgodinreverse.com

Angie said...

OMG that's so gross! my vet charges $25 to express Daisy's anal glands. Hers always get clogged up with chunky nasty brown smelly goop that she can't get out herself by scooting her ass on the floor. Maybe have a vet do it periodically?

N. said...

I've only read the first two sentences, but I'm dying! You are hilarious, Mary!

Amy said...

Omg, you crack my shit up for real!

Lily had that problem and we had to have her glaneds expressed every month. It is so gross. She would scoot her butt on our carpet and that damn commercial where the dog does it always makes me laugh!

Ha, i try to stop cursing even when my kid now repeats everything i say but it's hard!!!

Anonymous said...

I was having Maynard's glands discharged at the vet about every six weeks it was so bad...he finally had surgery to remove them altogether. Gassy butt continued and I ended up switching him to Prescription Diet i/d for intestinal issues (per the vet's suggestion...) oh Mary, it has been MAGIC! oh sure, the food is kinda pricey, but the gas is virtually GONE and the heinie scooting is few and far between. Debbie D.

Anonymous said...

and what is up with the pitties and gassy stink heinies?! I've never had dogs that had such problems as my pits have...for being all "tough and things..." their constitutions sure are delicate! ;-)
Debbie D.

Kiss Throw said...
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Two Pitties in the City said...

I didn't know it could be so intense! Mr. B gets that sometimes, but luckily not that often. I see everyone talking about going to the vet...we get ours at Petsmart and it's only $7!

Stephanie Lutostanski said...

Omg. I just read this post and have literally been laughing so hard I've started crying. My boys have those issues as well. Finally our vet showed us how to express them ourselves. Not fun or pretty, but worth saving the money. Granted, I have two doxies, not pitties, big size difference.